- Rowan Gladish
Empty
No
I would say
I’m not in the mood
I would say
I’m too tired
I would say
Because somehow I don’t want to was never enough.
Please
You would say
Don’t you love me?
You would say
Why won’t you prove it?
Your hands would wander
always moving down
no matter how many times I pushed them away.
I learned very quickly
The consequences of resisting you.
Never any violence, never any force
A turn followed by silence.
You would face away from me.
I’m sorry
I would say
I’m just disappointed
You would mutter.
I’m horrible
You would say
No one should love me
I love you
I would say
But now I was desperate to prove it.
I told myself
That I wanted this
I forced myself
To move with your rhythm
To sound how you wanted me to sound
To be what you wanted me to be
I told myself
That I asked for this
Even after all the times
I said no.
Lying there
Unmoving
I always felt empty
As if I had given up a part of myself to you
And now I wanted it back.
You would turn away from me
And put on your clothes.
Turn on your phone.
You got what you wanted
And suddenly
I was no longer interesting.
You are gone now
And I am with someone new
For the first time in years.
We are kissing
I am lying in his bed
And suddenly I am filled with fear
Your voice is in my head
He will want more from you.
I don’t want to feel empty again.
I’m sorry
I say
And I am crying
“For what?”
He asks
And moves to hold me, gentle and secure
I tell him
That I can’t give him what he wants
I tell him
I’m sorry
That I can’t be enough
I’m sorry
Please don’t let me go
I’m sorry
Please don’t turn away
I’m sorry
His arms stay around me
And I am confused
I don’t know what happens next.
I look up
And he is crying too
“I’m so sorry”
He says
“That he hurt you like that”